There was a time before, when the world seemed fresh. When new sights were just around the corner. Where blocks were long and the basement made an amazing cavern. The grass was where you sat, and talked, and rolled, and laughed in. A worm was wiggly and worthy of your fascination. A stick was a sign of power. Leaves crunched and made pillows of fun. Darkness held the unknowing. That was where the scary things were. Girls made you mean. Backseats of cars were as big as beds. It was not a time, it was the time, where time never existed.

Me thinks I saw the fulfillment of life.

It sat in my hand like a tiny sun 

that I hid in my heart.
Rays of  light filled me with warmth and joy
that over flowed like fizzy champagne.

My head grew dizzy,
and my thoughts were of sharing the light with the world.

I offered it to whomever I met,
only to find people were wary of gifts from

strangers. 

It all started a few weeks ago, when I was still your run of the mill hard working student. I had been going to a NYU and was starting my junior year. I was always awkward around people and felt nervous at parties.
"Here take this." My roommate handed me a capsule.
"What is it?" I shouted. The music was overbearing. I was sitting alone on a couch.
"Yeah!" My roommate shouted back, and motioned me to put it in my mouth.
I looked at the pill laying gently in the palm of my hand. It held some mysterious white powder. What's the worst that could happen?
If I could go back now, I don't know if I would've taken it. It wasn't like me to just take something without researching. But then again I know better now.
I put it in my mouth and chased it down my throat with a large gulp of the jungle juice in my cup. It was an ok party, I guess. There was music, beer pong, a couple people grinding, some people hooking up, a circle around a pipe, some people kept leaving to smoke and coming back in. I watched. I felt like a mad scientist observing every action, then reaction. I watched the group dynamic shift. I saw the tide of the party grow, then shrink, then grow. Each time people grew drunker, louder more obnoxious. I sat observing all this. There were lots of repeating cycles, people saying the same things, guys flirting with girls that were too drunk to notice or care. I saw the system as it was. I felt the vibrations in the air. I felt the tension of two boys competing over the same girl. Egos bumping, fuel raging. Like lions fighting over the pride.
I sat back and wondered could I pull the strings? Could I cause chaos, boredom, or even lust? I sat up. an idea in my head started worming it's way around. I had to wait, it wasn't the right time. The vibe wasn't quite right. I needed to wait for the next crest. Like a cat ready to spring upon it's prey I sat tense and silent.
People came back from smoking outside. Another keg was tapped. More jungle juice was stocked. Another game of beer pong was started. Then I sprang.
"People!" I stood up and shouted. I knew what I had to say. I had control!
And then the pill kicked in.
"Uuumm..." My mind was blank. The image in front of my eyes, was colorful, and the colors swirled and spiraled. I did not know how long I had been standing there. A couple of seconds? A month? I heard a laugh. I was losing it. I felt it slipping away.
"I'm tripping balls." I finally said lamely and sat back down. There were a few chuckles, but I was then forgotten. Sent back to sit by myself in the corner, ignored.

Queen of roses

I know a girl who holds my desire.

She is the queen of hearts.

The rose of the deck, that life unceremoniously shuffles. 

A rare find with a bite for those who are careless.

Her blossom is the bosom of the world, 

warm and soft it snuggles and comforts.

I have been pricked by this wild flower,

and she keeps me coming back for more.

The delectable texture of her petals warm my lips

and spurs on my craving for more. 

Her smile short-circuits my mind, 

so that all I see is her.

I long to visit her garden,

so that I may lay next to her in the soft grass,

and lazily watch the clear sky as the sun shines down.

I lie my head down. The thoughts drift off into nothingness. The colors leave. At the corner that's where I go. The dark line leads off into the lack of space. it drags on for infinite in a minute. Time doesn't exist here. Nothing does. The dark abyss where only a single speck of consciousness is surrounded by the void. It is as close to death as the boundary can be pushed. I float here, waiting, thinking, meditating. I exist yet, I do not. This is where things go to die. I feel the cool calm of the absence. Nothing physical can exist here. Only a thin line from my thoughts suspends me. Like a man within a diving suit, being lowered deeper and deeper into the unknown ocean. The external black wrapping him in blankets, inviting isolated soul to stay there forever.

Why go up, when you can come down with me?
Are you really in that big of a hurry to die?
Slow it down, kitty cat.
 Life's more fun on this side of the alley.
The lilac lilly opens it's eye when
the sun comes up. Then as night descends
upon the land, it creeps it's tired head back.
And sleeps the night away.
A broken bottle smashed on the side
of a biker's head, who has been to jail on
various counts of injustice, most recently
because he had a misunderstanding with
johnny law, has more life then you.

The movie ends. You rub your eyes,
get up, and leave the theatre. You go home
and think everything is like a movie.
There must always be a happy ending.
You do your drugs, your liquor, your meditation,
what ever you choose to get your rocks off.
ANd in that one moment you are perfectly happy,
at peace, on top of the world. If life were a movie
it would end right there. One glorious shot!
And the
credits roll.
But this isn't a movie. This isn't a song.
This is life, and it keeps going. You feel
fine one minute then that feeling is gone.
You are at the bottom of the world,
trying to stand up. Grasping for something
to pick you up. But the more you struggle
the worse it is.
Until you can't take it anymore!
You feel like you want to die, piss, vomit, scream!
But you don't, the external silence corking back the raw emotion inside.
But then,
suddenly you are back!
Bing Bang Boom!
The world is yours.
 And no matter how many times it happens.
No matter how much you want it to end happily,
it doesn't.
And no matter how much
you wish it to stop when the pain is too much,
you can't.
It just keeps on going.
Life is the highway with no pit stops.
Just an endless blacktop with hills and bumps and pot holes.
That cruises on into infinity.

Without you I am nothing. I look for love in all the wrong places and am disappointed that I cannot find anything close to what we have. I am a fool. A lonely beggared trying to find my way home to you. This idiocy leaves me unbalanced, like a crackhead leaning in his unbliss. It is here where I lie and wait. The days go by with no meaning. I look for something to spark my day, and all I can find is a memory from you. a postcard you once sent. These only make me miss you more. These only make it worse. So I look for something to help me forget you for just once more hour, minute, or second. That leads me back to the terrible filthy love that is not yours. I miss you. I will wait for you forever and always.

Lonesome driver

It was early morning. The sun was not yet shining, because it was still cloudy. Or maybe because it was still rising just behind the horizon. I was with my friend driving back to Philadelphia. He was driving his dad's old audi A4, black on the outside and black leather interior. Black on black. We were driving back from a crazy night of partying. I had been drinking Old Crow heavily all night, Whiskey and coke. We had smoked plenty of weed and cigarettes. We had also taken synthetic mescaline, and were coming down ever so slowly. Earlier I had asked my friend if he was all right to drive. "Hell no, I keep seeing shit on the sides of the road. Like figures in the dark." That was all right with me. So he drove. 
It was still early, people were just waking up to go to work. The roads were relatively quiet. Still a few early risers were driving with us. The old audi had no aux jack for ipods, so we had been listening to the same couple cds all night. I was weary, the pull of sleep was wearing me down. I was happy that I didn't have to drive. But there was a buzz in my brain that kept me up.
Anyway we were heading to Philadelphia and it was still dark turning light. We sat silently exhausted from the day's adventures. Then my friend spoke, "Did you see that car on the side of the road?" I had not, I was busy lost in thought. "Man that was fucking weird." My friend did not normally curse and I heard something that sounded like worry in his voice. "What was weird?" I asked.
"I swear there was a dude inside that car covered in blood." "That's crazy" He must still be tripping pretty hard I thought. He had taken a double dosage of the mescaline. The whole night had been weird. We had walked through the woods, where new snow had fallen. We were with other friends trying to get to a party. We thought it was better not to drive in case we got smashed. The snow was up to our shins, our shoes soaked wet, we journeyed through the woods in the growing dusk. It was further then I thought. But it was nice to get some outside exercise.
We drove on in silence. My thoughts wrapped around the night. I had seen old friends from high school. It was nice to act like a kid again, and that even though we were older and had changed, we were still able to come together. I was also worried, I had a hard time paying attention to everything that had happened but I got the feeling that we were kicked out. I wondered if everything had turned out ok.
The road was still dark and there were few cars. Lots of space. I heard my friend mutter something. "Did you say something?" half wondering if I had hallucinated it. "This ass hole is on my tail. Like he doesn't have enough space." I turned around and there were two headlights. "What a dick." I commented. I felt the engine hum. My friend was pushing the car faster, and the car purred back. We drove on for a few minutes. I was going back to my thoughts, when "Dude that asshole is following us." I turned around and sure enough the headlights were still behind us. "Slow down" I said. He did. He dropped down. I glanced at the speedometer and saw we were well beneath speed limit. I looked back. The headlights were still there. "What an asshole" I commented. "Maybe it's the cops?" But I looked at the roof for an outline of cop lights to find none. We drove on. My thoughts now about the car behind us. I felt like all my intentions were glued to it. 
"I'm going to pull off at the next area." We drove on. I kept looking back, It was still too dark, and the headlights blinded me from seeing what kind of car it was or who was driving. We pulled off, but the car drove by. We stopped at the parking lot. "That was fucking crazy." said my friend. I agreed. I felt the air in the car lighten up. We drove back to the highway, and got on. It was getting lighter outside. My thoughts turned back to the party. I really did hope it went ok. I had a great time, and was hoping to go back sometime. We drove in silence. The car played the same songs. My friend occasionally skipping one for no apparent reason. I saw we were coming closer to Philly. 
"Dude, What the fuck?!" I looked over at my friend. He was glancing at his rearview mirror. I turned around, and there were the headlights. Following. Always at a steady distance. "Dude, just forget about that asshole. We're almost at Philly. Let's just get to your house. I'm exhausted." We drove on in silence. I tried to ignore this creeping feeling I had. I tried to think of the party, of pleasant thoughts, but my mind was dragged back to the following car. Who the hell was this asshole?
We drove on and it got lighter. More cars appeared on the roads. "Dude, do not look back." "What why?" I was startled by the seriousness of my friends voice. He was always cheerful. I had never seen him serious. Much less this frightened. "Dude, promise me not to look back." I looked at my friends face. He was pale, and I could see the fear in his eyes. I agreed. "But why dude?" There was an edge in my voice. I felt frightened but i didn't know of what. That's when we joined up to another highway. There was vastly more cars. All of them rushing for Philadelphia. My friend started speeding, guiding the old Audi in out of cars. He crossed 3 lanes just to take an exit. When he found a parking spot he stopped. We sat in the car listening to slow nerve action, by the Flaming Lips. 
Finally, he spoke. "Dude, I saw who was in the car." I looked at him. He was still shaking and his voice was filled with fear. I waited for him to continue. "It was that fucker that I saw on the side of the road. It was the bleeding dude, man. He was fucking bleeding, and I saw his eyes, man. He was just fucking looking a me. Like he knew I was looking at him. I don't even know how he was driving. He was just staring at me." I looked at him slightly confused. "So who the fuck was it?" "I don't know man." We sat for a while just listening. I looked at my friend. "You want to call the cops or something?" "Nah man. Let's go. I just need some sleep." He pulled out. We got to his house and slept without incidence. The next day I took the train back to NY.
This happened about a month ago. I had almost forgot about it till now. I hadn't talked to my friend in sometime. I was busy with my life in Ny. I had been looking for work, trying my hardest not to get kicked out of my apartment. Earlier this morning I had gotten a call. It was from my friend's dad. My friend was missing. In the last month he had been eating less and had become less and less social. The only thing he would do was take his dad's car out. He never said where he was going. His father asked me if I knew what had happened. They had found his car in jersey on the side of the highway, just outside Philly. I told him I didn't know. He asked, that if I heard anything, to please call him right away. I agreed. 
Immediately I called my friend's phone but it was off. Later that day, I checked my email to find a message from my friend. It said that he had been driving at night on the highways. That every time he got on the same car would follow him. He said he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop thinking of the bloody face and eyes starring at him. That he had begun to see them everywhere, not just on the highway. But he would look at people and there were the eyes. So he would go drive on the highway hoping that the person would tire and leave him alone. He said that he was going to go talk to him. That today he was going to see what he finally wanted.

There once was ant.
Everyday he would work
tirelessly, lifting 3 times his weight
and sometimes more.
The strain of having to provide for
himself, grew too much.
In a desperate act to alleviate his pain,
he threw himself into a nearby river.
After drowning, he was reincarnated
as an ant. He again worked tirelessly
to provide for himself, and again he was
dissatisfied with his life. So he jumped off a cliff.
He came back again as ant, and the cycle kept
repeating itself.
Finally, he asked himself,
"Why am I not happy with my life?"
He began to question his surroundings,
his life, the meaning, and everything.
Then he died, and came back as a...

Full Credit goes to Gangsta Grillz

The warm liquer floods my brain.
I am dull, warm, wrapped in a woolen blanket
whose soft fuzz distracts me from the world around.
I am happy. Not because of the whiskey, but because i'm in
my safety blanket with friends.
Then it happens. The blanket is torn to shreds. I see
a flurry of fists. Yells and shouts coming from
horrible creatures. They are soul less. For them there
is only one, and that is them. Cash is king they say.
Like a mantra it sticks in their heads and fuels
their actions. Cash is king say the zombies,
mindlessly hurting each other. For the green.
Currency that will pay for more drugs, to quench their
desire. Just some more and I will be ok.
One more smoke,
one more pill,
one more and I'll be good.
But the good never comes. They feel nothing.
I feel void. I am them and they are me.
But I am not them. I fight against selling my soul.
I think I have spirit. No matter how little or meaningless
it is. It is there. Like the last thing out of pandora's box.
It gives hope that people can change.

Little clouds of puffy circular smoke,
created for a few seconds.
Only to disappear forever,
but boy, how do they live!
They jiggle and shake!
Bounce and move!
Happy to exist,
then vanish.
Leaving behind a sweet taste and
a sweeter memory.

The real man must be deaf to all but himself. He must not listen to the whisper. Do you know the hushed voice? Many have heard the call. It is a siren. Calling sailors to fuck. Men listen to the vile, vulgar lies that spew forth, and subdo their minds. They follow it, only to have their heads smashed on rocky cliffs. Their brains spewing forth like jelly. Faces ripped apart on the jagged coast. Crows and seagulls feasting upon the bloated corpses, bobbing in the water.

The preacher man says the lord
is good! He will heal us! He
will embrace us and take us
to Heaven! Don't you want
to go to Heaven? Just pay for
your sins and all will be forgiven.
NO NO NO! YOU cannot talk to
him. Uh-uh. You must talk
to him through ME! I am
your messenger to god! I will
tell him how much of a good
boy you have been. The preacher
man grins. Let us celebrate his
name by denying ourselves that
which gives us pleasure. That is
what HE wants. I want you to
give up your power. Let me decide
what is good for you. Don't worry
your little head, I'll make sure
things end up
Just
Fine

True sailing is not dead.
Have you explored the unknown
islands within your mind? Have you
met the inhabitants of the past?
Have you taken a walk through the
cosmos?
Kiss the lizard on the tongue,
He will take you no-w-here.
We are in the garden.
Free yourself of your worldly
dependence.
or don't.
All we truly have are choices
and time.

Things in the night

Three a.m.
The clock ticks.
No sleep tonight.
No sleep at night.
When midnight strikes,
that's when the looneys come out.
They come to play.
To do the dirty deeds
To conform to the weird.
Don't go out!
At night the world belongs to us.
You are now the minority.
So hold on to your sanity
let it guide you to sleep.
Just, know that we are nightmares.
We go bump in the night.

Enjoy your Boredom.
It can take you on a journey
You may visit pleasant places.
Some will fill your soul
with regret, revolt, and despair,
that will reside with you,
until you find the peaces to
wipe them clean.
But it is all a journey and
a journey is not about the
destination. If you
have not changed, then you
are walking in circles. And must
take the journey again and
again and AGAIN and again
and again....

You see with your mind's eye
beauty in everything.
Take up the mantle and do your part
in making this world
as amazing as it should be.
Let Freedom wring your neck,
for those who are without guilt,
are the guiltiest of all.
Guilty of ignorance, and greed.
They are the
cancerous mutation under the
skin of society. Draining the
minds and wealth of notions.
For what? For the progress
of their power and pockets.
No man is an island, but borders
still separate continents.
Drain yourself of this Filth,
Do not fear the unknown.
Once you have lost
everything, then you know what
it is to be free! 

stranger meets stranger

Pretty Stranger walking down the street. Don't look away, I got nothing to say to you. Don't think I didn't notice the way you changed. Your hair, Your face, Your name, Your place. Who you were then and who you are now, don't matter to me. You've broken my heart too many times. And now I got nothing to say to you. I pass you by again and again, trying hard to ignore you. Staring straight at some distant point but your presence seizes my conscious. Act cool, don't look you fool. Keep on walking by. Without a word or recognition, you slip on through the seasons. My heart goes thump then dies inside. Until stranger, you appear again outside a door.

The Man in the door

There stood a man in the door.
He had yet to understand why he was there, or for what reason he existed. So he stood some more.
"Are you convinced..." said a voice. The man stood and listened.
It was the voice of doubt.
"...that you got it all figured out?"